-Firefly
We are in the 21st century where technology and social media is very popular among us. People use it for their day to day basis and life without it seems almost impossible. However, in this era of technology, I am scared to use it all because of that one incident which I cannot forget. This incident happened when I was in grade 10. I still remember those moments, the feeling of being scared and being left out of everything by everyone. That is the first time I experienced the feeling of being bullied, and being left out. And now I realize what I faced was not just bully, but also digital violence and mental torture.
It all started with an argument with my guy friend, Aswin (name changed) with whom I shared a special bond. One day we had a huge argument which was all because of jealousy and misunderstanding. Even though it was between him and me, he took it to social media to attack my character. I had no idea that it would become so huge that it would end up affecting me mentally as well as physically.
At that time I had no proper access to any gadgets and I was also not allowed to use Facebook. Still I had secretly opened an account but after the argument with Aswin I had blocked him. One day my brother showed me a facebook page from his account. It had my photos posted with some vulgar captions, which was an attempt to ruin my reputation. I was so devastated when I saw the post. Not only that, but also they had created a Facebook group under my name with vulgar words “Yo manxe valu ho”.
People online were blaming me for things I had not done and were attacking my character. I had to face online harassment and bullying not only from strangers but also from people I knew in real life, including Aswin. It made me wonder how a person who used to love me so much could speak so badly of me. I had no idea that online space would be used to attack someone’s character and make them so fragile. The saddest thing was I was left with guilt and blaming myself.
Sometimes, I wonder if everyone that harassed me online ever felt guilty for attacking me online without knowing the truth?? Aswin had anger issues and I had witnessed it before but little did I know that his anger in the physical world would be carried into the online world where it cannot be erased.
After this incident, I didn’t attend my classes. I was in no state to face him as I was blaming myself for everything. To escape from all those hatred and bullying I stayed home but even there, I would be flooded with messages from them through my siblings. I had to hear a lot of things from others.
After all these situations I had to face them which was the hardest time for me. I was so scared at that time, I had nobody to express my feelings to. With all the blame thrown at me, I felt so lonely and the rumors that had traveled all around the school gave me a hard time. Whenever I had to face people I saw a lot of questions in their eyes all pointed towards those rumors online. Those rumors got so bad that even my best friends ended up turning against me, despite knowing the truth. They only came to realize their mistake, when a few juniors with whom I shared a good bond stepped in to clear the air between us. They talk with my so-called ‘best friends’ about the matter to make them realize but for me it no longer mattered because I believed if the bond was strong they would support me no matter what. No others had to step in to explain the truth which they already knew.
Until this time they didn’t know what they had done to my mental health. I had lost my appetite and I ended up losing interest in everything. I started trying to harm myself and nobody was there to counsel me, not even my guardians.
All the online attacks ended up making me hate myself, and I stopped doing everything that I used to love. I lost the spark I had, I lost myself who used to be full of dreams and the smile which was real. I just gave up on proving myself right. I began to distance myself from everything, I began to stay quiet and alone all the time. I just lost hope from everything as well as everyone.
When my picture was posted, a guy named Binod (name changed), who liked me, stood up for me. He was my classmate’s brother, and I had blocked him when I found out he had feelings for me. He had asked them to take down the post, or things would get bad. When they kept asking about our relationship, he told them I was his wife and they could not post such things. I don’t know if they were afraid, he would actually do something, or if they were scared he would tell me about it (they didn’t know I was secretly seeing all the group messages from my brother’s account, so I knew everything they were saying and doing). That’s when I understood why they suddenly deleted the post and changed the group name. When I found all this out, I felt good that someone I barely knew still supported me. But it was sad that the post was deleted only because another man claimed I was “his”, not because they realized what they did was wrong.
During lunch one day, a girl brought up a Facebook post and started saying mean things to me. My patience turned into so much hate and anger towards all those people who gave me a hard time that I almost got into a physical altercation with that girl. Because of the noise our class teacher came and took us to the office where I told him everything and he told us to solve it outside the school as it wasn’t related to school. I was hoping for support from them but I didn’t get it.
After that incident slowly the rumors faded away, posts got deleted but my mental health was so low that my academic score was falling and I planned to skip a year and continue next year. I talked with my science teacher and he suggested that I continue my study. He supported me and said he had full trust that I could cover all the classes which I missed . I completed my 10 with good grades and I am still continuing my studies…… but am still scared of using online social media platforms till now.
About Author
Firefly is a gentle soul learning to love herself a little more each day.